Dear Diary
by mollybugs
Summary: Hermione writes in her diary about her love life after someone says those three little words. DISCLAIMER: I own none of HP and make no profit off of my work. Chap 16 Up - Finally!
1. Why Now?

**_*Disclaimer pertaining to any chapters: _**I own none of Harry Potter's world and make no profit off of any of this story.

*~*Dear Diary Chapter One*

_Dear Diary,_

                Why did he have to tell me this now?  What is going on?  What is so special about me?  And if he's felt this way for so long, why did he wait so long?  I love him, I really do.  But it's too late!  Damnit...if he had told me this a year ago, I probably would have kissed him...

What's a year's difference, one might ask?   Just one year is the difference between me being able to look at him like that...and me being a young woman who knows what her feelings for him mean.  They don't mean romance, and all the good stuff attached to it...roses, chocolates, dates, snogging...  But it's all too late for that now.  I can honestly say that a year changed me.  In many ways.

Last year I couldn't tell this from that when it came to my heart.  I would look at him, feel like smiling, and ask myself if all the happiness he gave me meant I fancied him...  I would look at all our spats as one of two things: proof we wouldn't be good together or proof we were too different...

After the incident at the Department of Mysteries, I was more than confused.  When I was being cared afterwards, I would cry when nobody was looking.  I had almost lost him... and it was because of me.  He would have been fine if he hadn't been worried about me.  I just knew it...

I felt horrible, thinking about how I had almost lost him...  Did this mean I couldn't live without him?  And if that was so...then I...but no, I couldn't love him.  He's like a brother to me!  I spent so many hours just thinking, just replaying our entire friendship in my head.

It was about three days before I came to the conclusion that this was all nonsense.  I loved him only like a brother.  That was all there was too it.

For about a year I was certain about that...but then he has to tell me this...

I told him all this, after he decides to tell me he loves me...  But now even I'm not sure.  He wants to just forget that he even said it.

HOW CAN I DO THAT?

I told him okay, but inwardly I still know it.

If I hadn't pressured him... we were just talking about our feelings, as best friends do...  Why couldn't I just assume he didn't wanna talk about it!!!!

But oh well...I've already told him my feelings...

Damnit all...

_Hermione_


	2. Snogging Then Sinking

**AN - Thanks for all the reviews, I'm glad everyone likes it so far :-D  Thank you all.  In response to mione grint's review, yes, it is a big problem.  This whole story is based on an experience I recently had.  Although it's going down a different road than my life went :-D**

**Chapter 2**

_Dear Diary,_

_                Things are so bloody complicated nowadays.  He loves me, but I not anywhere near having a clue about my feelings at all!_

                Why did I push him.... I could've just accepted it all...  Things got worse today though.

                Thanks to that invalid Malfoy, we kissed!  And the worst part?  I KISSED HIM!

                *sigh*  I don't know what I was thinking.  It all started with another stupid tiff with stupid Malfoy.  Went like this:

Malfoy:  Oh look it's stupid Scarboy and his Weasel and Mudblood.

Harry:  Still congregrating with cave trolls Malfoy?

Malfoy:  Ooh, I'm so offended.  Least I don't hang out with an ugly Mudblood.

Ron:  She's not ugly.  Least none of us sleep with Pansy Pugface Parkinson!

Malfoy:  Least I'm getting some Weasel!

Me:  Please, Malfoy, don't kid yourself.  The only reason you get any is because Pugsy is a whore who's too stupid for her own good and will shag anything that moves.

Malfoy:  I'm sure she's better than you, Mudblood.

Ron: Stop calling her that!

Malfoy:  What? Mudblood?

Ron:  Stop it! *Then he hits Malfoy and surprisingly knocks him down.*

Malfoy:  Stupid bugger!

Ron:  Sod off ferret!  She's more beautiful than any woman you could ever hope to be with!  She's the most beautiful person and you aren't even worthy of her attention, even her insults!  Leave her be, you sodding bastard!

Malfoy:  I'll get you for this! *Gets up and stalks off*

Ron:  Stupid ferret...

Me:  Ron, that was so sweet!

Ron:  I meant it, Hermione.  You are so beautiful.  You are the most wonderful, most beautiful person I know, and Malfoy's insults are all stupid lies.  He could never see you the way I see you...  You are so much better and on a higher level than him...  Hermione...I-

Me: *kissing Ron passionately*

Ron:  *kisses me back, pulling me in tight*

Harry: ......

Me and Ron: *still kissing..........*

**Five Minutes Later**

Me and Ron: *still kissing*

*Footsteps*

Harry:   I hate to break you two up but I just saw Snape headed and he won't like your PDA too much..

Me and Ron:  *still kissing....break apart and catch breath*  *dragged away by Harry, both of us dazed*

***

And that was what happened, Diary.  It was the best kiss of my life.  I saw fireworks, I really did.  It was like magic, only not the wizardry and witchcraft type...it was beautiful.  I saw fireworks like never before... My brain was exploding with passion, and I felt like I could just snog him forever.

What does this mean?  Does this mean I really do have feelings for Ron?  I can still feel his touch, his hands on my back, his chest pressed against mine... his soft lips massaging my own, his tongue caressing mine....

*swoon*  Diary, I think I'm in love.

But I am so scared!  What do I do?  I don't want to mess up our friendship, but I can't deny it anymore that I really do care for Ron, beyond friendship...

I want to be with him...

But...what is this sinking feeling inside of me?

_xoxo_

_Hermione_


	3. So Confused, So Scared

**AN - Thanks for the support, I'm glad people like this :-D  This is turning out to be such an easy thing for me to write!**

**Chapter 3**

_Dear Diary,_

                Ron and I haven't spoken in 36 hours.  Until about twenty minutes ago.  Perhaps I should've mentioned that our super long passionate snog was on a Friday.  After dinner.  Perfect time, right?  I suppose I should date my entries...  We'll see if I can remember.

                Okay, back to the topic on hand.  It's now Sunday morning.  About a day and a half since Ron and I snogged.  I can still feel my knees buckling as our lips met, devouring each other...  haha I sound like a romance novel.  *chuckle*  But my knees did buckle...  In that one moment I let down all my defenses and all I could think about was Ron Ron Ron.  *sigh*

                But I've been avoiding him.  It's clear he wants to talk to me.  Anytime he comes into the library and see me, I manage to elude him and escape the library while he's still searching the stacks.  At meals, I'll finish eating when he sits down and leave.  Thank god he's Keeper now, because if he wasn't, how would I avoid him at yesterday's Quidditch game?  

                After the Quidditch game I went to the library.  He almost caught me there, but I managed to avoid him and I ran to Hagrid's house.  I caught Hagrid just as he was going back into his hut.

Hagrid: 'Ello 'Ermione.  *I always liked how Hagrid doesn't say the H a lot.*

Me:  Hi Hagrid *Crying!*

Hagrid:  Why, what's got you all upset?

Me:  Oh, nothing...  It's just...nothing, Hagrid

H: Now come on, I know my Hermione and I know you don't cry about nothing.  Was it that snake Malfoy?  Did he say something?  Rotten little bugger...

Me: *soft laugh* Well, sort of.  He's how it all started... but it's not Malfoy.  It's Ron!  He told me he's in love with me, and I told him nothing could ever happen between us, but now...

H: Oh, I see...

Me: Now I don't know anymore!  Malfoy was trying to start trouble Friday, and Ron defended me, and I was so moved...I-I... I snogged him like crazy, Hagrid!  I don't know what came over me!  It was such a wonderful kiss, but I... I don't know what I'm doing Hagrid!  I can't stand it!  I don't know how I feel about Ron!  I can't look at him but when I think about that kiss...  It's just all so confusing!  I wish none of this had happened!

*At this point Hagrid hugs me and I cry on his shirt*

H:  Hermione,  I don't have a lot of experience in this issue, but I can tell you one thing.  That kiss wasn't just a kiss.  If it's got you all confused, maybe you were wrong about nothing happening between you an' Ron.  I've seen the way he looks at you, and it's serious.  Don't you worry... if he truly loves you, he wants you to be happy even if it's not with him.  That's real love.

Me:  Thanks Hagrid.

*He wipes my tears.*

H: Why don't you go get some rest, you look exhausted from all this cryin'. 

Me:  I think I'll do that, Hagrid.  *BIG HUG*  Thank you...

***

So that was my visit with Hagrid, pretty much.  I love Hagrid, he's like a big brother, or an uncle, or some benevolent male family figure, you know what I mean, Diary?

                I moseyed on up to Gryffindor Tower, and when I went through the portrait hole I was not expecting Ron to be waiting for me.  I heard him call my name as I headed for the stairs to the girls' rooms.  I was almost there when he stopped me, blocking my way.

Ron:  Hermione, please, talk to me.  We need to talk!

Me:  No, Ron, I need some rest...

Ron:  Please, Hermione, this is important!  We kissed...and it meant something.  You can't deny that you felt something...tremendous when we kissed!

Me:  No, I can't.  But I can ignore it.

Ron:  Why are you being like this?  There is something there, you can't deny you have some feelings for me!

Me:  No, I can't.  But I don't know what those feelings are, Ron.  Maybe there is something there, but I need to find it first...

Ron:  Why don't you just know?  Like I know I love you!

Me:  Because it's just not that easy Ron! *Yelling*

Ron:  Why not? *Whispering*

Me:  I don't know, Ron, I just don't know.

***

This is where I shoved him out of my way and headed for my room.  I've been lying down on my bed for about twenty minutes, and now I'm writing in here.

                I can't stand feeling like this.  I don't know what to do.  I mean, I love Ron.  I've come to that conclusion already.  But what does that mean?  We've been best friends for six years now, and we're in the beginning of our seventh year already.  If I get involved with Ron, what's to say I get too attached?  Something could happen, and I might have to decide between him and my future.  I couldn't do that!  _"If he truly loves you, he wants you to be happy even if it's not with him."_  Isn't that what Hagrid said?  

                Maybe he doesn't truly love me.  He thinks he does.  That's it!  I mean, if he did really love me he wouldn't be so persistent in the Common Room!  *sigh*  No, I can't fool myself with that.  Ron once told me last year that he was always sure about his feelings.  When he knew he liked someone, he would only admit it because he was sure.  _"No regrets, even in the realm of love, 'Mione.  That's the way to live.  Can't hold back your heart,"  Ron_ had said.

                Why couldn't I live like that?  Now, I have no clue what to do...

                I've never felt like this before.  I've always been so confident, so sure of what to do with my life.

                I've never been so confused...or so scared...

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

_Oct. 2, 1997_


	4. Waking Up

**AN - I realized thanks to wyredsisters that my dates are a little off.  I know in the first chapter I said a year earlier she would have been okay with Ron's love.  I've already confused myself thinking about this.  So anyways, I'll just clarify.  After the Department of Mysteries incident was when she became sure that nothing was going to happen between her and Ron.  So it's about a year later.  The sisters pointed it out to me that it should be around 6th year.  Well think of it this way.  She figured things out not DIRECTLY after the DoM thing, so arounfd the end of 5th year.  So it's a little over a year later.  Thus the beginning of 7th year.  Okay, nuff said.**

*~*Chapter Four*~*

_Dear Diary,_

                After my last entry I fell asleep.  Well, to tell the truth, I cried myself to sleep.  I am so scared of screwing things up.  I'm afraid that if I do get involved with Ron, I'll screw up my own future.  I'm scared if I don't, he won't want to be friends with me anymore.  Or something like that.

Why do I have to analyze everything like this?  Why can't I just...just live in the moment, like Ron said he does?  I know he's lying.  Well, at least, he doesn't do it all the time.  It took him forever to decide to try out for the Quidditch team, and that was only with Harry's help.  Crap, now that I've found a flaw in his theory, my mind is never going to let that go.

                I just want to live.  I don't want to be scared anymore... I don't want to cry when I think of losing Ron, and I don't want to cry when I think of hurting him.

                Something is seriously wrong with me...

                I'm sitting in the library, and I don't know why, but I feel like crying again.  Wait, I do know why.  Because I'm a scogglebug.  Okay, I know, not a real word.  I couldn't find the word I want so I just made one up.

                Imagine that, know-it-all Hermione Granger couldn't find a word to use.

                Pah.  I'm not that much a know-it-all.  I mean, hell, I can't even figure out myself.

                I'm going to pause in my writing for a moment, Ron just entered the library............

.......................................

.......................................

                I am back.  Fifteen minutes later!  Amazing all the stuff that can happen in ten minutes.  All the snogging.  Yes, snogging.  Something happened when Ron came in the library.  Something inside of me...woke up.

                My heart.

Here's what happened:

Ron: *walks in*

Me: *grabs diary, heads for the stacks*

Ron: *follows me*

Me: *walking faster*

Ron: *catching up*

Me: *running*

Ron:  *catches up to me...damn him for being in shape!*

Me:  Okay, I give.  You caught me.

Ron:  You make it sound like you're a fugitive...

Me:  Well I feel like one.

Ron:  I'm sorry.  I didn't know I made you feel that.  *whispers*  I just wanted to talk to you...

Me:  No, I'm sorry...  I guess I can't be angry if you just want to talk.

Ron:  *sigh* Look, Hermione, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to make things go all wonky by telling you how I felt... I guess I thought maybe if I told you I'd have a chance.  But I understand if you just want to be friends.  I just...  after that kiss I thought maybe things had changed.  I thought maybe you felt for me too.  But I guess not.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I do love you, and I would never do anything to hurt you or make you upset.  I love you.

...And THAT, Diary, is where my heart opened my eyes.  I didn't understand what happened at first, but now I do.  I heard once that love is knowledge.  You don't have to question things, you just know.  And I knew, Diary.  I knew in that moment that I loved him too.

....

Me:  Ron...  Ron you didn't hurt me.  I've just been a little confused.  I guess if I hadn't been so sure before that we were just friends, this wouldn't have been so crazy.  But I see it now.  I see what's going on.  I am just scared to love you, because life's a wanker and I was scared that if we got involved I would be cursing you to death.  I don't know why... *whisper* I was just terrified...terrified of nothing...

Ron:  Hermione, life is a bitch.  But being involved with you wouldn't condemn me to death.  If anything, you have been my savior.  Since I fell in love with you I've been a better man.  I know it sounds cheesy, like those chick books my mum reads sometimes.  But it's true, corny but true.  You make my world brighter, even with You-Know-Who out there.

And *commence snogging*

So that's pretty much it Diary.  I couldn't stop snogging him!  It was like magnetic lips!  Like those Muggle teddy bears!

We ended up snogging for about five minutes.  Just plain kissing.  And it was wonderful.  We walked back to our Common Room holding hands.  I think the total words spoken was somewhere around seven.  Well, maybe a little more than that.  But for the most part our lips were occupied otherwise.  

We didn't bother explaining to Harry what went on.  I'm sure Ron will fill in the details for him later.  Harry just saw us when we walked in and smiled.

So now me and Ron are sitting here.  Harry didn't want to butt in on us and be a goosegog so he just told a porkie about research and slipped off into the abyss.  Ron can't see what I'm writing, but he knows it's about him.

He keeps asking what horrible rumors I'm writing about him now.  That's a laugh and a half.

I love him.  But I have a sinking feeling.  Like maybe I shouldn't just rush into this.  But I can't let that get me down, right?  Live in the moment, Hermione, live in the soddin' moment!

I'm a freakin' worrywart.  Need to stop that!

Uh-oh.  Feel a nervy spaz coming on.  Got to cram it, brain, before I stab you violently with a cotton swab to silence you!  Stupid brain!

I feel like a loon right now.

Well, Ron is asleep now, after me writing all that babble down.  He's got his head on my lap and is sound asleep.  So cute...

I suppose I should follow suit and just nap.  I'm rather exhausted from all the crying and worrying and fretting and snogging I've been doing.

I am in love, and happy now, but why am I still confused?  I figured it all out.  I swear, I'm chronicly confused.

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

**AN-Okay, I love making her babble because it's like me.  Not that I'm trying to make her like me.  But I think that deep down every teenage girl is just a babbling loon when boys are on the mind.**


	5. Second Chances

**AN - Okay, so I admit I'm a little lost.  So nothing BIG happening in this chapter.  I think.  No, I know.  This is going to describe how she feels right now, not what's happening.**

*~*Chapter Five*~*

_Dear Diary,_

                Me and Ron Ron and I are very happy.  I can't believe I just wrote "Me and Ron"....  Look what he's doing to me!  I don't have a lot to write about.

                I can't imagine what my life would have been if I hadn't just stopped being stupid and seen Ron how I see him now.

                Harry is very happy too.  He told me, when Ron wasn't around, that he hated seeing us apart because he thinks we're made for each other.

                What would have happened if I hadn't given in to my feelings for Ron?  If I were still single and ignoring the tingle I felt when I saw him?

                Well, for one, I would be spending a lot more time on homework and a lot less time snogging his brains out, that's for sure!

                Thank God for second chances.  I thought I'd ruined things by telling Ron nothing could happen between us.

_Sometimes we get  
Second chances  
Sometimes we never  
Make it past the first  
It really makes me wonder  
Why some things happen  
When they do  
It really makes me wonder  
Why it wasn't me  
Instead of you  
And when you say  
It doesn't matter  
Well it does  
And all it takes is a mistake  
To eat your words  
Just one more time I think  
I'll drive on home tonight  
  
Sometimes  
We never see the warning  
And the voice in your head  
Tells you not to go  
It really makes me wonder  
Why some things happen  
When they do  
It really makes me wonder  
Why it wasn't me  
Instead of you  
  
And when you say  
It doesn't matter  
Well it does  
And all it takes is a mistake  
To eat your words  
Just one more time I think  
I'll drive on home tonight  
  
And when you look  
It's gone  
It's too late to turn around  
And it's another day  
Facing yourself and  
The things that you've done  
Woh, oh, oh, oh, oh  
  
And when you say  
It doesn't matter  
Well it does  
And all it takes is a mistake  
To eat your words  
Just one more time I think  
I'll drive on home tonight._

**~_Second Chances_, Michelle Branch (a Muggle musician)**

I once heard that song and it really relates to now.  From what I can gather it's about second chances.  It's also a nice song and I have nothing else to do.

Well, I could write about Harry.  I think I'm a lot closer to him.  After Sirius died, we were all heartbroken, and many of us cried for weeks.  Including me.  It still hurts to think about it.

But Harry, he was more withdrawn.  When he was in his room we could hear him crying.  If he wasn't crying he was sleeping.  Because he was so tired from crying.  I think the first time he smiled was a year later.  I don't blame him.  Sirius was the thing that made him smile, because he was a link to his parents, a hope of escaping his stupid Muggle relatives.

I think most of Harry's grief came from thinking it was his fault Sirius died.  Even though it wasn't.  "If I hadn't been there..." "If I hadn't let Voldemort get to me..." and all this baloney!  Finally Harry gave up trying to tell us it was his fault.

Now that Harry has accepted Sirius' death, he's a bit easier to talk to.  He seems more laidback now, and I think it's a girl.  He's finally letting himself live.  I'm so happy about that.

I can't figure who's on his mind though.  I've caught him with a goofy grin on his face, coming back to the Common Room after taking walks, and I've seen him with a look in his eyes like he's not even there, off in some dream land.  I know it has to be a girl.  What else is making him so happy?

Something is up.  I need to talk to Ron.  We're going to find out just what's making Harry smile.

Now all I need is some spy music.  haha.

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

**AN - Tada.****  Nothing special.  I have to plan the story now, before I forget.  I've got a great idea where this whole thing is headed. :-D  You probably won't like it, though.  But don't worry.  I'm thinking happy ending.**


	6. Harry's Girl

**AN - Okay so I know it's weird for Hermione to have written down the whole song, but oh well.  Here's the next chapter.  Oh, wait, sorry for taking so long, and I know this chapter is kind of pointless.  Next one will be better.**

*~*Chapter Six*~*

_Dear Diary,_

                I haven't written in a few days.  But I've been a little preoccupied.  Ron and I have been doing some espionage, following Harry around.  Anytime he leaves and doesn't need the Invisibility Cloak, Ron would go steal it and we'd follow Harry.  I'll admit, I do feel a little guilty about using the cloak without Harry's permission.

                But when a girl is curious...

Basically we've found out that Harry is meeting some girl and we can't figure out who it is.  We've tried, but somehow they always elude us.  You'd think that these days would have gotten us something!

In other news, Ron and I are very happy together.

...................................

...................................

                Well, Ron and I began stalking Harry again.  For the last time.

                We found out why he's been so cheery.  Where he's been sneaking off to.

                The Shrieking Shack.  We figured out that's why we always lost him.  I haven't figured out how he's getting in there, but we saw him coming out.  And Diary, you will NEVER believe who was with him!  Not Cho, whom he's fancied forever.  Not Ginny, whom he's recently been looking at with interest.  And not even Lavender or Parvarti or any of his fan girls who would gladly give him their panties in a second.

                It was Luna Lovegood!  LUNA LOVEGOOD!  My mind can not grasp this concept!  Harry showed LUNA LOVEGOOD the Shrieking Shack! 

                Naturally we confronted Harry about this whole thing.

                What did he say?

                Nothing!  He just got angry we were spying on him and stormed off.

                So we let him.

                What else could we do?  *sigh*  Ron caught up with him an hour later.  And led him to me.  We all went for a walk on the grounds and Harry explained what he's doing with Luna.  Well, first Ron and I apologized for stalking him.  Apparently, Harry and Luna have become very close.  Something about her in our fifth year attracted him to her.  He said something about the thestrals and how there was just a spark between them.  So he started talking to her on weekends, and they would meet in Hogsmeade.  How Ron and I never noticed was beyond me...

                So now they're very close.  The Shrieking Shack is like their special place.  He showed it to her at the end of last year, and since then they sneak off to sit in it and talk.  

                They are also apparently the reason villagers started reporting more spooks in the Shack.  They get kicks from howling and screaming like banshees to scare the people in Hogsmeades.  *laugh*

                So now Harry is going to approach Luna and try to make their relationship official.  He thinks he should stop sneaking around now that we know.

                Why did he keep it from us?

                He was scared!  He actually thought we'd freak out it he told us he was getting comfortable with Luna Lovegood!

                Honestly, I was a little shocked, but that's just because Luna is so...off the ball, to put it nicely.  She's a cook!  Her father publishes a crackpot newspaper and she reads upside-down.  But I suppose if Harry likes her, she can't be all that bad.

                So after that shock, Ron and I left Harry so he could go talk to Luna.

                Of course we ended up behind some trees making out.  What else could come of Ron and I being alone? *chuckle*

                Oh no.  I'm not sure but I think Aunt Flo just stopped by for a visit.  Well shag me to tears.

                Off I go.  Hope my cramps aren't too bad.  Or the PMS.  *big laugh*  Ron hasn't experienced me under Flo's influence.

                This should be FUN.

_xoxox_

_Hermione_


	7. Ronald Q Weasley Has No Brain

*~*Chapter Seven*~*

_Dear Diary_,

                Diary, I've been thinking.  I ask myself am I really in love with Ron?  But then I just tell myself "Of course you ninkempoop" and life goes on.  Weird things have been happening lately.  For example, Draco Malfoy asks me if I'm going to Hogsmeade every time there's a trip.  And it's not in a mean tone either.  He sounds genuinely curious.  It's rather scary...like he's planning something...

                Also, Luna started joining us in the Great Hall for meals.  She seems to be taking a keen interest in Harry's life.  He was even talking about inviting her to our Common Room.  And I said he couldn't because it was against the rules.  Lavender got detention for that once when she invited Justin Flinch-Fletchley here and a prefect caught him.  He was sad about that.  They are spending so much time together.  Harry and Luna, not Lavender and Justin.  They study together, they go to Hogsmeade together, they eat every meal together.  I don't think they're just friends anymore.  I asked Harry and he brushed me off, saying that they were just close friends.  But the way they look at each other, I don't think so.  Perhaps I shall ask Luna...

                Another bizarre occurrence is Malfoy's thugs.  They stare at me.  It's rather unsettling.  I'll see them in Potions and they STARE.  Like they are observing or something like that.  Very amusing but also very unsettling...

                Let's see, what's going on in my life...

                I'm so worried about our N.E.W.T. exams!  Ron and Harry say I shouldn't worry so early.  But I can't help it!  If they think I'm worrying to much, oh well.  These things are going to determine how well I'll do in my career.  Ron is so sweet though, he just tells me that he knows I'll get top score on all my exams.  I love him so much for being so encouraging, but I still want to study.  He said I'd get top marks on all my O.W.L.S. but I didn't, did I?  

                Professor McGonagall pulled me aside today after Transfiguration today.  She told me that even though I probably had put a lot of thought into my future, she wanted to know if I'd really considered all the options I had.  In her words I am "a brilliant young woman, one of the smartest witches of the century" and I have "more opportunities in life than many people are ever given."  She gave me a list of about twenty career paths I should really consider.

                To tell the truth I haven't really given much thought to what I want to do _after_ Hogwarts...  I've been focused on getting through Hogwarts first.  There you have it, three of my choices.  I hate being smart sometimes.  Sometimes I wish I could just be less intelligent so that I had an easier time deciding what I want to do...

                Ron and Harry want to go for a walk so I'm going to go with them and resume writing when I get back.

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

++++++

_An hour later_

                Diary, that boy is such a wanker!  I CAN NOT BELIEVE HIM!  How dare he!  Sodding wanker!  Has seven years of education done nothing for him?  NOTHING???  Of all the things to say, of all the ways to make me feel like an utter piece of hippogriff waste...

                I ought to take him my the ear and let Mr. Groin meet Ms. Knee, that's what I ought to do!  Honestly...

                Way to make your girlfriend feel like absolute crap Ron...

                Honestly, it shouldn't bug me too much.  I mean, I know he thinks I'm honest-to-god beautiful...but still...usually he tells me that.

                *heavy sigh*  What was he thinking, just saying that like I wasn't there, like it didn't matter!  I would say Luna knows how I feel but Harry isn't _stupid!_  He knows that if you say something like that then you have to come back with assurance that your lady is the one and only most beautiful woman in the world to him.

                I suppose I'll tell the whole story now that writing all that I feel a little better already. 

                We went for that walk and it was Harry, Ron, Luna, and I.  We talked about our classes, about what we want to do after Hogwarts (a frustrating subject for me), and many other topics.  About twenty minutes ago, we saw this very pretty girl, a new prefect in Hufflepuff, fifth year.  Well Harry said she looked absolutely gorgeous with her hair the way it was and the way the sunlight hit her.  Luna said she agreed and he said that he thought she was still prettier no matter what, which lead to a very passionate snog.  Friends my arse, haha.  Well no, they are not really friends anymore.  It's sort of obvious the way they hold hands all the time, snog at any given chance, and stare at each other with googly eyes in the hallway.  

                So yea they were occupied with the snogging and whatnot and Ron was just...staring at this girl.  And finally he says "Wow...she's so pretty...I mean really she's like, smokin' hot..." Really Ronald who says "smokin' hot"???  Yarghrrrrr....I know I growl weird haha but at least I can make fun of myself!  Oh! Back to my story.  

                Sadly Ronald Q. Weasley does not have the same intelligence in the land of girl-knowledge as Harry Potter does.  Because he just said NOTHING.  Actually, he did say something... "She's the hottest prefect I'll ever see."

                HELLO!!!!  YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A PREFECT AND IS HEAD GIRL!  THE BLOODY HEAD PREFECT!  Are YOU BLEEDIN' MAD????

                I let it go, but after about five minutes he still hadn't said anything.  So I just walked away.  He clearly didn't get it.  I headed for the library and I'm guessing Harry told him what he did wrong because he came after me.  And he said he was sorry.  But he just couldn't leave it at that could he?  NO.  Of course not because Ronald Q. Weasley has no brain.

                "I didn't know I wasn't allowed to compliment other people."

                For the love of all things magic... how many times was that boy dropped on his head as a child?!?!

                I just hung my head, and when he opened his mouth to say something else I just cut him off and told him that anything he said was just going to make it worse.  I walked away and he did the smart thing: stayed put and silent.

                Now I'm here...I shouldn't let it get to me.  I guess it is rather stupid.  But I just felt like...he didn't care enough to tell me that I was pretty too.  I mean, yeah , the girl was really pretty, but did he have to say she was the prettiest prefect? That's like saying prettier than me...

                Usually I'm not so superficial or what have you, but this time it just felt like he didn't even care if I felt pretty.  Which I certainly didn't in that moment.

                Sigh...tears are coming...I'm going to sleep and I'm going to hope Ronald Q. Weasley borrows an ounce of intelligence from Harry and realizes what he did that upset me.

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

**AN - Tada! I've been a little lost in this story, I didn't know what to do.  But thanks to a recent occurrence in my sister's relationship I had inspiration!  This story's not gonna go on too much longer.  Just a little more drama and then something at the end!  Happy ending, I promise :-D**


	8. Dimwitted Weasley, Perplexing Malfoy

*~*Chapter Eight*~*

_Dear Diary,_

               Well, it took Ron a little while (TWO DAYS WITH MY HELP) to realize what he did wrong.  I was sitting in the library today and he comes in looking like he's on top of the world.  He just sat down next to me, started doing his work, and went about his business like NOTHING was wrong.

                Well as soon as I finished my sentence on the paper I was doing, I stood up, _accidentally_ stepped on his foot firmly, and gathered my stuff.  Before he could say anything my bag whacked him in the head and I was gone.

                I went to Hagrid's, and I talked to him for a little while.  He reassured me that I was beautiful, but it didn't really help.  I've never doubted my own looks.  I think I'm very pretty.  I'm past that.  The thing that made me mad was how he acted like he did nothing wrong.  He didn't care that he was completely ignoring my feelings by talking about how wonderful and goddess-like that stupid bitch girl was.  He didn't even care that I was mad!  So after talking to Hagrid a little over tea, I took my bag and restarted my work on the front steps of the school.  It was a lovely day, anyways.

                I finished my Potions paper in no time, but before I could start on my Charms homework, Ron found me.   See:

Ron: Mione, I'm so glad I found you.  We need to talk.

Me:  *snort* Really, what tipped you off?

Ron: What?  Look, I'm sorry I said anything that hurt you.

Me: Oh really, Ronald!  And what exactly DID you say that hurt me?

Ron: *stands there looking stupid*

Me: Ha! You don't know!  God how ignorant can you be?

Ron:  Mione, you don't—

Me: *cuts him off* Don't even call me that Ronald!  Do you want to know why I've been mad at you for the past two days?  I'll TELL YOU!  First, when you decided to go on and say how amazingly beautiful Amanda Courtier is, you just left me hanging there!  I tried to let it go, ignore how you called her the prettiest Prefect EVER when I myself am the HEAD of Prefects.  Then you didn't even understand THAT and thought you can't compliment people!  Of course you can!  You just don't say right to your girlfriend's face that some girl is prettier than her! YOU DON'T!

Ron:  Hermione, I'm very sorry.  I didn't think about what I said.  I didn't know you were so hung up on how you look, and I'll be more careful about what I say, okay?

Me:  YOU IMBECILE! I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW I LOOK!

Ron:  Then why are you so mad about me saying that Amanda was pretty?

Me:  I DIDN'T! But you didn't even care that it hurt to hear you say she was prettier than me!  THAT'S why I'm so mad!  Because you're so IGNORANT!

Me: *storms off now*

                So, that's what happened, Diary.  That's not even the *best* part of my day!  Thirty minutes later, I took a walk out by the Quidditch Pitch. After a walk around the WHOLE Pitch, which is rather big if I do say so myself, I fetched a book from my bag and took a seat in the stands.  The Slytherin team was practicing, but I could care less about them, so I read.  I'd gotten through a few chapters of a novel Ron's mum lent me when I the bench shook a little.  Looking up, much to my dismay, there stood Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy:  Well well, what have we here?

Me:  We have me, reading, and you putting yourself at risk of "falling" off the Quidditch stands.  (This is where I made little quotes with my fingers.)

Malfoy:  Feisty, aren't you?  Don't worry Granger, I'm not here to pester you.  In fact I thought I'd let you know that it's almost dinner time.

Me:  And why do you care if I miss dinner?

Malfoy:  Well, can't have you starving can we?

Malfoy: *smiles GENUINELY SMILES and flies off*

                That's the most bizarre thing ever.  Malfoy.  Being nice.  TO ME.  I actually pinched myself rather hard when he left, but it was real.  I told Ginny about it, and she laughed!  She told me that he must have discovered Muggle drugs.  That's a laugh and a half!

                Dinner of course, was boring.  Ron did the smart thing and avoided me.  Word from Harry is that he's currently trying to figure out how to apologize without making himself an even bigger arse.  That's got to be challenging for a dunce like himself.  Good lord, I'm harsh on him aren't I?  Oh well, he deserves it, the ponce!  I'm so angry at him for not even thinking about why I might be mad!  He just wants to snog, that's it!  He could care less about actually being there for me and my feelings.

                I'm going to get some sleep now, because if I keep ranting about stupid Ronald Q. Weasley then I'll never be able to sleep.  I'll write more tomorrow, Diary!

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

**AN - Yay!  Another chapter!  Hey guys, for anyone I left hanging, I'M SO SORRY!  I didn't mean to leave you guys hanging here, I've just been so busy!  But today I had nothing to do and I realized I really needed to keep this thing going!  So please forgive me for being such a trollop and forgetting about this!  And please review!  Even just to say "FINALLY!" or how mean I am!  I love you all!**


	9. Hugs and Kisses In Wrong Places

**AN - In this chapter, when Hermione is talking, for the most part she'll be sad, so try to imagine her like, pausing to take deep breaths and crying.**

*~*Chapter 9*~*

_Dear Diary,_

                That son of a bitch.  Wait, I can't say that... I actually like his mum.  She's no bitch.  He's the bitch!  He still hasn't apologized!  In fact he's been avoiding me since our fight on the front steps!  *growl*

                Well I have nothing else to right about, I'm going to pause here and go take a walk or something to try to clear my mind.

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

_***_

_Dear Diary,_

                I'm back.  Well, I went for my walk.    Did no good.  I did come across something interesting...  I don't know if I can write it...it hurts too much.  It's been two days and it's still hard to write this.  But I need to.

                Anyway, I turned the corner to head down to the Pitch for a walk around it, and I...

                I found Amanda Courtier and Ron snogging the life out of each other.  Amanda was up against the wall, and Ron was...he was leaning into her, pressed up all against her and her hands were all over him and they were going at like wild dogs and I couldn't take my eyes off them!  After a few moments I sort of squeaked, because I was in shock, and they slowly stopped.

                Ron's eyes went really wide as he saw me.  He started to say stuff, but I don't know what it was.  I wasn't listening.  I was frozen.  I came to life when he touched me... He said something and put tried to hold my hand but I pulled it away and punched him.  Punched him right in the gob, harder than I punched Malfoy in third year.  I'm proud of this, too.

               After punching him I just ran.  I ran until I didn't know where I was.  I just sort of... stopped.  I was running and then I came to a halt.  I started to choke on my own horrendously loud sobs, and I grabbed something next to me.  As I collapsed someone caught me.  I wasn't quite sure then.  But they held me tight and let me cry my heart out on their shirt.  I cried for what seemed like hours on end.

                They hugged me, shushed me gently, and told me it would be okay.  After some time, when the tears were minimal and I was just sort of hiccupping from the crying, I looked up.  Malfoy caught me, Malfoy comforted me.  And then, when I was finally recovering enough to survive for the time being, Malfoy kissed me.

                Yes, well, I sort of kissed him too.  I looked in his eyes, shocked that it was him of all people to be there for me, and in that moment we both leaned in.  It was a good kiss, but still.  It was Malfoy.  I don't know what possessed me to kiss him, but I did.  And to tell the truth, now that I'm right in the brain again, I still want to do it again.  We snogged for an hour give or take, and then I realized I was kissing **Malfoy** and bolted.  He didn't try to chase me, which I am terribly grateful for.

                Ron was smart too, he avoided me.  Until yesterday!  I came into the common room to do some homework, and right in the middle of the room he approached me and said 'I am so sorry, Hermione, can we please talk?" and I in return screamed "No!" and smacked him.

                I understand that I am being somewhat of a hypocrite having kissed Malfoy, but I have the firm belief that what I did is understandable because I was unaware of what I was doing thanks to the grief that Ronald Q. Weasley has caused me.

                Anywho, back to what I was saying.  When I smacked him, the whole room got quiet and turned to watch us.  So here's what happened:

Ron:  Hermione, please!  Let me at least talk to you about what happened!  *scandalized whispers among the Gryffindors*

Me: Ronald, there is nothing to talk about!  You kissed her and that's it!  Hell, you were kissing her like you've NEVER kissed me!  And I'm your soddin' GIRLFRIEND!  I never want to talk to you again, RONALD!  I don't care what your excuses are, you can take them and shove 'em up yer arse for all I bloody care! *with that last statement I prodded him very roughly in the chest with my finger*

Ron:  Please, Hermione, I love you­−

Me: YOU LOVE ME?  I'm sorry, but I didn't know that LOVE was defined as snogging the brains out of other girls!  I didn't know that LOVE was defined as being an ignorant wanker and ignoring the feelings of your, and I use this term in the past tense, GIRLFRIEND.  Ron, you don't LOVE me.  You don't know what love even means!  All you care about is getting farther and farther with a girl, and you'll do whatever it takes, too!  I'll bet Amanda's not the only one, either!  You're a man-whore Ronald, and you'll always be one.  You're a sad, pathetic, **worthless** DOG... no, you're lower than that!  I know dogs who are ten times more man than you, you feeble-minded pussy-whipped WORM! 

Me: *storms off to the sound of clapping*

                Lavender and Parvati came up to our dorm after allowing me some crying time, and informed me that Ron is now being punished for his deeds.  The entire house is treating him like the bacteria in the shit of dogs.  Lav's words, not mine.

                Right now my mind is in shambles.  I feel so broken...  I felt so strongly that Ron was the right one.  That he would never hurt me.  But now I'm wondering about every time he wasn't with me, who he's kissed, and if he's even really a virgin like he told me.  Add my hot and wonderful yet kiss with Draco, and you've got one extremely messed up Hermione's brain.

                Oh, Diary, what am I going to do?  WHY did Draco come to my aid?  Why did Ron cheat on me?  Why ME?

                I need chocolate.  I'm going to get the girls and we're going to Hogsmeade.  To hell with the rules, Harry should be more than willing to aid us in our escape.  I'm thinking a raid of the Honeydukes basement.  I'll leave money.  Or maybe I won't.  But I'll be damned if I don't get some chocolate soon.

                It will be the band-aid for my shattered beaten broken heart.

_xoxox__...where are the hugs and kisses when you really need them_

_Hermione_


	10. Chocolate is a Bandaid

Chapter 10

_Dear Diary,_

                I've never been one to care about looks, but I am a little angry that I've gained about five pounds in the past week, ever since my life fell apart.  Harry has been an absolute doll, letting me cry on him and sneaking to Honeydukes to steal chocolate for me.  He says he pays for the chocolate, but I've got my doubts.  Really, how much chocolate can you buy?  And he's brought me more than a lot.

                It has been exactly one week.  I haven't really made much contact with anyone besides Harry, Luna, and Ginny outside of classes.  Professor McGonagall asked me if I was alright after class about two days after the incident.  Poor woman, I think I scared her when I burst into tears.  I managed to stop crying enough to tell her I was just going through a hard time in my life and it was very stressful.  She was lovely and told me to feel free to make light of my prefect duties if I felt the need to take some time off.

                I hate feeling like this.  Constantly depressed, always on the verge of tears.  I can't look at Ron.  I can't look at Malfoy either.  I stopped making eye contact with pretty much everybody.

                My seclusion has led to one thing.  An appreciation for nature.  In my spare time I sit by the window in the common room.  I just pull up a chair and stare out the window.  When you're not looking for anything in particular, it's amazing how much of the scene you take in.  It's beautiful, really.

                The past several nights I've gone up to the Astronomy Tower, the one where we took our O.W.L. for Astronomy.  It's so peaceful.  I just take my bag of sweets, a mug of cocoa given to me by one of the house elves, and a book.  Or I take my CD played, which I charmed to work.  It's one of the most relaxing things ever.  Right now, I really do need my own little time to just relax.

                sigh As hard as I try, Diary, I can't get him off my mind.  Ron and I are through.  That much is for certain.  After the scene in the Common Room, he made one more attempt.  But this time he didn't leave room for a scene.  He walked up to me after Herbology.

Ron: Listen.  I am sorry.  And I want to try to make things better.  But I'm not going to grovel and beg for a second chance if you won't give me one.  So just tell me now.  Do I have any chance of making things better with you?

Me: No, Ronald, we are through.

Ron: sighdowncast lookmope I'm sorry to hear that, Hermione.  At least I loved you.  That much I'm sure about.  I loved you more than you'll ever know.  I hope one day you'll forgive me.

                He walked away after that.  I was going to tell him off, but I didn't have the energy.  I just didn't care anymore.

                I happen to know that Malfoy witnessed that whole thing.  As I turned to walk towards the castle, I saw him.  He was standing by the greenhouses, and staring right at me.  Part of me wanted to confront him about our little thingamajig, but I'm too much of a coward.  I just stared back, really perplexed, and then he left.  He smiled at me, like, a knowing sort of smile, and left.

                Good frickin' lord!  I'm bloody sick of this.  I should have just…just never…Just never what Hermione?  Never gone out with Ron?  Should've never fallen in love with him?  Bloody hell.  I wish I hadn't…

                Right now I'm in the library.  But I'm relocating.  It's about to close.  And while Madam Pince does like me, she won't let me stay in here.  So I'm going to the dorm to get my bag of goodies, then to the kitchens to visit Winky, and off to the tower.  Another lonely night in my quiet reverie.

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

**_ten_****_ minutes later_**

****

_Dear Diary,_

Here I am in the Astronomy tower.  Hannah Abbott and Ernie McMillan just came across me.  They said they were patrolling, you know, prefect duties, but I know that's not why they came up here.  They are not the only couple I've deterred from coming here.

                I hear footsteps…

**AN – Okay so no real action here, but I wanted to show how Hermione was handling things.   Whose footsteps did she hear?  Why did the entry end so abruptly?  Another chapter coming your way soon!  (SOON I promise!!!)**


	11. He Is My Sanctuary

Chapter 11

_Dear Diary_,

Those footsteps I heard? They belonged to none other than the Amazing Bouncing Ferret himself. I quickly charmed my quill and set you aside. Here's our conversation:

Me: What do you want?

Malfoy: You. I…I mean, I want to talk to you.

Me: We've got nothing to talk about, you and I.

Malfoy: Oh bollocks. We've got a whole bloody lot to talk about.

Diary, at this point I just tried to block him out, curling into my self and staring out the widow. What did he do? He sat down across from me and started looking out the window. For some ten minutes, we just…sat there. Then he just looked at me. And stared. I could feel his eyes on me, assessing me… When I managed to finally look at him, his eyes… they were so piercing… I felt like he actually cared in that moment. In that one moment, when our eyes met, I forgot who he was. I forgot who I was. All I wanted was to be lost in those eyes… He broke the silence, of course, really gently. His voice was so alluring I almost forgot what he was talking about… until it hit me head on.

Malfoy: Something _happened_, Granger…

Me: Yes. I was distraught and you, for some strange reason, consoled me. For which I am grateful. But that's all.

Malfoy: It can't be all. When I saw you crying that day, you looked like you lost your best friend.

Me: In a way I had…

Malfoy: Weasel… he hurt you didn't he?

Me: _Why do you even care_? For six years you harassed me and called me names! Now all of a sudden you want to talk like we're the best of friends?

Malfoy: Don't you think if I **knew** why I cared so much, I'd tell you already? If I knew, I'd find some way to get out of it? Something about you has captivated me, and I can't fight it any longer. I'm drawn to you, and I can't help it. I want so badly to call you those names and poke fun at you, but I can't! I have no clue why! I just can't…

Me: Oh, please, Malfoy…

Malfoy: Look, I do know one thing. That day, when I was up on my broom and saw you walking like you were drunk, I flew towards you with every intention of calling you names. But when I saw you crying, the romantic in me took over.

Me: snort Romantic?

Malfoy: Don't laugh, I'm serious. In that moment you looked so beautiful, and so pitiful. I wanted to wipe up your tears and tell you it would be okay. But coming from me, you'd probably laugh at it. So I just hugged you. I couldn't stop myself. Every fiber of me cried out that it was wrong that I should care, but they cried louder that it was wrong that you should be so sad…

Me: So basically you had a bout of SADIDS…

Malfoy: SADIDS?

Me: Save Any Damsel In Distress Syndrome.

Malfoy: Well… I guess so. But I could really care less about any damsel in distress. It was something about **you** that made me want so badly to console you.

Me: You're so—

Here I was cut off by his lips.

Yes.

Draco Malfoy kissed me. I wasn't crying. I wasn't playing the part of a DID. Sweet lord, Diary, he's got the softest lips… I felt like I was kissing a cloud or something really soft and yummy… like cotton candy. He made me feel so safe. His kiss took me away, out of my sadness. Thoughts of Ron and Amanda disappeared; the idea of tears was a joke; any hint of depression was covered up by an amazing sensation of retreat into mirth. In my lonely world of sadness he took me away and became my refuge, harboring me from the cruel sadness that had taken over my life.

It didn't end with his kiss… It wasn't what I imagined. It wasn't who I wanted. Who I had wanted. But in that moment all I wanted was him. His protection. The feeling of safety he gave me. I wanted to curl into him and never come back.

We buried ourselves in each other; turn our backs on any notion of a world outside of each other. Forgave our trespasses and forgot our identities. There was only him and me. We had no names as our souls unraveled into one. It was a plethora of lust and passion that felt like it would never end. And it was incredible. I always thought that my first time would be with Ron, my first. But in that moment, I would have said to hell with love. I didn't need it when I had that raw, primal energy flowing through my veins.

When he penetrated me, I didn't care about the brief, intense pain I felt. Actually, that's a lie. I reveled in it. It fed this feral creature within me, and that creature took over my body. We ravaged each other, both letting go of our inhibitions, our fears and lack of confidence, our insecurity from inexperience.

For the first time in a week I was happy. I was elated. He set me free. With his well-endowed package, he took me out of this world for two hours. And when we were done—when I had cried out his name and finally felt the world shatter within me—the Astronomy Tower was fragrant with the scent of sex and sweat. For some time we lay there, not speaking, not thinking. We lay their in our virgin ecstasy, just breathing in the sweet smell of our sexuality.

Both of us wanted to ask the one question neither wanted to hear. "Where does this leave us?" or "What does this mean?" That would mean we would have to think. We would have to take into consideration the rest of the world and whether or not this even meant anything beyond what it was when it happened: sex.

But with our newly found sexuality we were content to just be. He enveloped me in his arms and I curled into him, resting my head on his pillow. He was still aroused, I could tell that much. I fell asleep with that arousal pressed into my skin. But that was fine with me.

He woke me up at sunrise. I stood there in the window, naked for nature to see as he wrapped his arm against me and once again reminded me of how I affected him. We watched the sun wake the world up. Silently we both dressed. That didn't last long. We had sex once again on that cold stone floor. There was something about the shock of body heat mixing with the frigid, rock hard floor that excited me. Unlike the night before, I took control. I had never done this before, so I was a little unnerved when I straddled him and slid down on his hard erection. But he grasped my hips, and I his chest, and I let him have it. I forgot who I was again and found within myself that wild animal woman who could buck upon a man's penis like I did for the next hour. We both came several times, and when I finally rested, him still inside me as we rolled and he lay upon me, satiated with sex, I felt complete.

We couldn't help ourselves, so we had one last quick shag and then we left. It was like a one-night stand, or that's how we were treating it as we dressed silently and said our bewildered farewells. But neither of us can deny that it was more than that.

It has taken the whole day for it to sink in: I'm no longer a virgin. I shagged Draco Malfoy and I enjoyed it. I don't want to think about what Harry or Ginny, or hell, anyone would say if they knew. I'm going to owl Malfoy and request that he meet me tonight in the Astronomy Tower. I need to discuss with him what happened. We had sex, but we've been the worst of enemies for the past six years. But in that one night and morning of unbridled virgin sex, I knew one thing:

Malfoy or no Malfoy, he is my sanctuary.

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

**AN – So what did everyone think?? I've been battling with this chapter. I don't think it really sounds like Hermione, but then I thought of how bright she is. She is so intelligent and clever, and I think when she's had seven years of education and probably read over a thousand books, she'd have a pretty poetic mind. So I let her write this entry with a dreamy girl's poetic vision of lusty teenage sex. PLEASE review, I would really like to know what everyone thinks of this.**

**Oh yeah, as I post this it becomes my sixteenth birthday. So I think it's really cool that I'm posting a chapter about an important teenage issue (sex) on the birthday that takes me into the years where it begins to matter. Yay! I'm sixteen! Go me!**


	12. Bickering Old Ladies

Chapter Twelve

_Dear Diary_,

Bloody hell. I had sex. With Draco Malfoy. I had this epiphany during Herbology class today. I was standing between Lavender and Parvati, listening to them prattle on about what they want to wear on on the next Hogsmeade trip. At one point they started talking to me about what I was going to wear, and how we'd have an awesome girl's day out. I just sort of nodded, said "Mmhmm" and "Of course" and "Sure" at the appropriate times. Of course they did notice, they're not brainless cows like some people think.

It was almost the end of the lesson, and I had just properly applied flesh-eating slug repellent to the second year's mandrakes. Apparently knowing how to use repellents in the proper fashion (not too much, where to apply, etc) is an essential in Herbology. Doesn't really matter to me right now, but despite my down-the-loo life, I still need to keep my marks up. Don't want to become second in the year or anything like that. Plus, I want to be the valedictorian of our class. When I was younger and didn't know about me being a witch, that was already my goal. To be the top in my graduating class of high school.

Since I can't do that, I'm doing it here. Woah, I totally just went off subject there. Okay, so I had just finished my assignment and I called Professor Sprout over to assess my work. She gave me the top score possible, and said something or other about a good job. So I sat on my stool and waited for class to end. Having nothing to do is bad. The mind has spare to time to think. And that is not helpful.

My mind started looking back at everything that's happened, trying to sort out how I feel about everything. First I thought about Amanda and Ron, and I had to bite my lip to stop myself from crying. There was also a lot of rapid blinking involved.

Then I remembered my first kiss with Malfoy. I got a little flushed, remembering how wonderful and soft his lips felt.

Next thing I know I was reliving last night. My body certainly remembers how it felt... I was very flushed because I was embarrassed to be feeling like that in class. And then I pictured his face when he came, and it really sank in.

I had sex with Draco Malfoy. Twice. I gave my virginity to the boy who, for six years, harassed me, treated me like dirt, and bullied my friends. And I don't regret it.

In fact, I want more of it. Sure, I am a little sore, but there is logic in that. I mean, I was a virgin, so naturally I'm tight. So reasonably, I'd be sore for a little while because my muscles aren't used to stretching and working like they did last night.

I know in my last entry I said that it had sunk in, and it had. But it really..._hit me_ in class.

Lav and Parvati were a little worried. They don't know... how would they react? They'd probably smack me, spit on me, spurn me and run to tell the whole school. News would spread like wildfire and soon the whole school would call me slut, and the whole house of Gryffindor would be giving me the cold shoulder. They'd call me worse things than slut. The worst would be Harry. I could give a rat's ass about what Ron says, but Harry, he's my best friend. He would probably call me names and tell me what a trollop I am, and never forgive me.

I'm probably worrying too much. It was just a one-night stand with Malfoy, and I was...grieving, I guess.

Lavender and Parvati know something happened. They have no clue what, but they know. They asked me what's going on, and what happened. They keep giving me strange looks. Right now I'm sitting on a couch in the Common Room, and they're across the room. They've been glancing at me and whispering a whole lot.

Look, they're getting up. Coming here. Shutting you now, Diary.

Well, that was interesting.

Lavender: 'Lo, Hermione. What are you writing?

Me: Just an entry in my diary.

Parvati: You keep a diary too? I've got one.

Lavender: What? You've got a diary and you didn't tell me?

Parvati: So? You may be my best mate but my diary is for privacy from everybody!

Me: .....

Lavender: I don't believe you!

Parvati: Well you've got one too!

Lavender: How d'you know?

Parvati: Oh, like you're so sneaky closing the curtains when you're writing. You'd think that nobody would notice you _inconspicuously _dipping your quill into your drawer.

Lavender: Wotcher! I'm very sneaky, thank you!

Parvati: Yes, you're so sneaky. We both have diaries. Let us remember why we're here.

Me: Why _are_ you here, anyways?

Parvati: We wanted to know what you were writing about.

Me: Isn't that the point of a diary? Not having to tell people stuff?

Lavender: Aha! So, you are hiding something.

Me: Just my feelings and thoughts!

Parvati and Lavender: Mhm, sure.

Parvati: Feelings about what? Come on, Hermione, we're your gal pals. What can't you tell us?

Me: Look, I love you birds, you're my best girls, but there are some things that I just would rather right in here.

Me: holds up diary and taps it

Lavender: Well fine!

Parvati: Oh shut it, Lav. That's fine Hermione, I get it. You know you can always come talk to us, right?

Me: Thanks, Parv.

Parvati: Hey, that's what friends are for.

All of us: girly group hug

Those two are sweet. Rather amusing though, how they can bicker like old ladies. I'd continue to write, but now they're dragging me off to dinner. I guess I'll just pray for no eye contact with Malfoy.

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

**AN - Thanks everyone for your reviews so far! I'm really grateful for anyone who reads this and reviews! If you like this story, tell your friends! Lol, I'm shameless.**


	13. MORE Sex?

Chapter Thirteen

_Dear Diary_,

It happened. Again.

I spent three whole days, keeping my mind off of him, convincing myself it was a one-night stand. Apparently he didn't think so.

It's really not much of a story to tell, although we were almost caught by the whole Gryffindor and Hufflepuff Quidditch teams. At separate times, not as a whole.

Before I ran into him, my day was particularly well. I was being complimented by all my teachers on my work, and Ron didn't even glower at me once. In fact he was rather civil, telling me congratulations when Professor Sprout told me I'd managed to get top grade on our last exam. I just sort of muttered thanks to that... it was a bit surreal, hearing his voice talk to me in such a nice tone again.

Professor Snape didn't even find anything wrong with my Cleansing Draught. That's as good a compliment to me.

I'd gone through all of my classes with no problems, so I decided instead of lunch, I'd go for a relaxing walk. I stopped and chatted with Hagrid for a few minutes, but he was busy tending to some creatures for the fifth years, so I didn't stay. I would see him later when I had my only afternoon class right before dinner.

I ended up walking around the Quidditch Pitch around 1 pm. I began walking around the whole thing, but when I saw the Gryffindor team approaching, I dodged out of view. I ducked into the stairs under the stands and watched them through a crack. I watched them all discuss something, probably play strategy, for about ten minutes.

I turned to leave, being bored by the antics of the team, and lo and behold, there he was. He was just watching me... which, actually, was rather eerie. He was carrying his Quidditch bag, so I figured he must have been out here to practice when our team showed up.

I just ignored him, well, almost. I grimaced at him in a way, sort of like, "Oh god leave me alone hello." He followed me though. I avoided the view of the Quidditch team while trying to escape him.

But he wouldn't let me get away.

Malfoy: Granger, wait. Please.

Me: dry, throaty laugh

Me: You'd think, _Malfoy_, that after shagging me witless twice, you'd be able to call me by my name.

Malfoy: silence

**A few moments of silence later...**

Malfoy: Her...Hermione. We need to talk.

Me: What is there to talk about? We had sex. The world's not ending, we didn't experience some life-changing enlightenment. We shagged. Banged. Fucked. Boned. Any bloody thing you want to call it, we did it. What is there to talk about?

Malfoy: What happened to you? When I talked to you before all the sex, you were downtrodden and quiet, and now you're...you're a soddin' tart, the way you're talking!

Me: another dry, throaty laugh

Me: Tart? Me? I've had sex once. And I've moved on. How the bloody hell am I a tart?

Malfoy: Fine, you're not. I guess I was wrong.

Me: Wrong? About me being a tart, you mean?

Malfoy: No, are you dim? Of course that's not what I mean.

Me: Of course not. You couldn't possibly be talking about what you actually say.

Malfoy: I was wrong about... I thought maybe you would be feeling the same way I do.

Me: I don't know what you're talking about...

Malfoy: Oh you bloody well do know what I'm talking about! You want me! You still fucking want me and you know you do because I want you! Yea, we shagged! But it was our first time, and we both know we want more.

Me: So what if I do want more sex. Who's to say I want it with you?

Malfoy: Don't even try to deny it. I can feel it. And you know just as well you can feel how much our bodies...they just work. They fit.

Me: So what if they want to—

Malfoy: kisses me

Me: falls into kiss

Malfoy: hands roam

Me: hands roam

**Five Minutes Later**

Malfoy: doing nice things with tongue

Me: fading away from reality

Malfoy: starts pulling away and begins to say something

Me: pulls him back in

Malfoy: tries again

Me: pulls him down on ground

So that's it Diary. I thought I'd capture the moment interestingly. Less writing, anyways. Plus I find me amusing.

Anyway, that's what happened. I knew if he pulled away from my lips he'd just start talking about how we "fit." I didn't want to hear about that. All I knew was that I wanted him so badly I'd give anything for his touch, for him inside me. We shagged for about forty-five minutes. I know because after about forty five minutes of practice the Gryffindor team gave in. They were all worn out and so their cool off was jogging.

Harry, Ron, Ginny, Parvati, and the rest of the team all talk animatedly when they jog. We were laying naked on the blanket I'd transfigured out of his shirt, and he'd just come. I had come right before him, and as he slowly recovered his brain and took in what he had to do next, we heard them. He was about to withdraw and stand up, but I grabbed him. I pulled him down on top of me, grasped my wand, and quickly cast a Disallusionment charm. I know we're not going to learn it for a while in Charms, but I taught myself because I was so interested when Harry told me about it.

Back to my story, it was incredibly awkward, laying there, him still inside me and the Quidditch team walking just within view of us. I don't think they could see us if we weren't all camouflaged, but it was still embarrassing. Once they jogged out of sight, we relaxed. I didn't remove the charm, but he pulled out and we just...lay there. Fell asleep, really. It was a cool day, so it was very comforting, falling asleep in his warm, muscular arms.

Boy, were they muscular...

Anyway, we woke up, and we laid there for about ten minutes in a comfortable silence. But then I began tracing the outlines of his oh-so-toned body, and I managed to find my way to his penis again. I slowly ran my fingers softly over his sensitive skin, clearly hitting all the right spots. I had that boy up in a matter of moments. He was putty in my silky hands.

So then we had another shag. Ha, I love how I go from being all sensual and what not and then just right down to it. "lalala sensual stuff...SHAGGING."

But back to my story. It was like déjà vu, he was on the bottom. It's actually rather free, being on top. Being the one in control. You're the one who's riding, not being ridden, you know?

He is rather good, for an amateur. I guess I am too. We were both quite sated after another pair of electrifying orgasms. Then I saw a dot in the sky. The Hufflepuff team was practicing. Deciding that it would be just as bad for them to find us, we dressed. His shirt was a little moist with sweat and smelled of sex when I transfigured it back to its original state, but he didn't care.

Believe it or not, that's not the most important, surprising, shocking, whatever part of the day.

No, the most shocking part was when, about one minute after we parted ways, he came chasing after me. He ran up to me and kissed me. It wasn't an "I want more sex" kiss, or an "Oh god I can't keep my hands off you" kiss. Wasn't even a "this is the last kiss" kiss.

It was an "I want more" kiss. But he wanted even more than sex. He pulled me into a little alcove between the stands and kept kissing me against in the corner until I had to come up for air.

Me: Malfoy, as much as I'd love to shag and kiss and make out with you forever, being that you are wonderful at all of them, I can't. I've got to get back to my dorm so I can study and do homework.

Malfoy: Gee, _Hermione_, you'd think after shagging a few times we'd be able to call each other by our first names.

Me: Whatever. Is there something you want with that kiss or can I leave now?

Malfoy: I want more.

Me: **More sex???** That's not possible. I'm too tired, and I need to crack down on my work.

Malfoy: No, no, not more sex. I want more of you. I want to see more of you, know more of you.

Me: What on earth could ever possess you to feel like that?

Malfoy: You should know. You're...an enchantress, or something.

Me: yet another dry, throaty laugh

Me: Me? An enchantress? Oh, yea, _Draco_, I put a spell on you.

Malfoy: Don't laugh. I don't know what it is, but I'm captivated by you. All I want is to be around you nowadays. At first, I ignored it, wrote it off as just sex. But I can't anymore. Walking away from you, I screamed inside. I know it sounds like a line from an old book or something, but my whole body screamed that it's a lie. It's not just sex. I want to be with you.

Me: That's where you're wrong. You want to shag with me. You couldn't possibly want to be with me when all you've done for the past six years is torment me and mock my heritage. You couldn't possibly want to be with me.

I stormed off. I couldn't take it. I was feeling so happy, and he had to go and ruin it with his romantic delusions.

Bloody wanker...

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

_---_

**AN - Yay another chapter.**** Now I'll reply to reviews. I don't usually do this, but what the hey. Disclaimer: I'm a bitch if you piss me off.**

**BuckNC**** - Right now I'm really going to sound like a bitch. But don't even TRY to tell me what the heck my story is. How the heck do you know that it is not a Ron/Hermione story? I have read PLENTY of stories in which one person in the pairing sleeps with another person, but ends up with the person they should be with. For example, recently I read a Harry/Ginny in which Harry shags numerous women and Ginny dates Oliver Wood. So who is to say, that in a Ron/Hermione story, Hermione can not sleep with other people? Don't even review if you're just going to tell me to change my category. If you review, please, tell me what you think of the frickin' MATERIAL of the story. It is NOT a helpful suggestion to butt into MY business and tell me how to categorize MY story. My characters, as far as I am concerned, ARE in character. It is not your place to say what kind of story this is and whether my characters are in character or OOC. I am sorry if I've offended you, but it's called karma. You really offended me and pissed me off with your reviews. If you're not going to actually review my story, then don't review at all. Thank you.**

**Mist Emoun Tains - Thanks for your review! I'm actually not sure which part you're talking about...thinks, oh, wait, I know what you're talking about! Haha yes I like that part too! I'm glad you liked it!**

**Pepstepper16 - Thanks for reviewing, I am so glad you like it! But how can you say that??? Of course she would leave Ron! He cheated on her with Amanda! And she didn't plan to hook up w/ Draco, she just...did. But I say no more. No spoilers, haha.**

**eMeRaLd'S**** gUrL - Thanks for reviewing, I appreciate it! Please, though, no comments on the category. I'm a very bitchy woman when people comment on how I run my fanfiction. But thanks for your input on how you think the story should end, I'll keep your words in mind! And I'm glad you love the story!**

**wyredsisters**** - Finally, thank you Grace for pointing out some errors in my original chapter! Hopefully I have fixed everything, and if not, just tell me! You rock, sweets.**

**Well, that's all the reviews. I'm not really getting a lot per chapter, but the amount I've gotten makes me smile. Currently I'm at forty-four! Yay me! And I know I kind of reamed BuckNC for the reviews they left, but as I said to Emerald's Gurl, I am very bitchy when people try to tell me what to do with MY work. Please don't hold it against me! I'm really sorry if I came off too bitchy for your liking. But when people try to tell me what to do when they have no idea what's going on in my head, it really bugs me because they're just being too bossy and butting in where they're not needed, or wanted. Please don't hate my story because I am a little bitch at times.**

**Thanks everyone who reads my story!**


	14. Stalkeresque

_Chapter Fourteen_

_Dear Diary,_

It's been only a few days and Malfoy can not leave me alone. I tried going for a walk to process my thoughts, but he followed me. I tried spending the night in the tower, but he knows where it is, and I managed to hide just before he walked in. He stares at me during meals. I can feel his eyes boring into the back of my head. He follows me out of the meals, probably hoping to catch me alone. He follows me everywhere. I was in the library the past too evenings after dinner, and he was there too, staring at me pretending to read a book. If I went into the stacks, I could always hear his footsteps mimicking my own.

Seems like rather stalker-esque behavior to me. I feel like I should tell somebody, but I have nobody who would listen. I can't talk to any Weasley, because they hate him with a fiery passion burning deep into their souls. I can't tell Harry because he feels the same way, and they've been rivals since first year. I can't tell Parvati or Lavender, because they would tell everyone who I _don't_ want to know. I can't even go to Neville! Malfoy's bullied him so much, he'd probably hate me.

So I'm in quite a pickle. You know what my problem is? I want him to follow me. I don't want him to, but then I do. I don't want him to because it would just be so easy to forget everything and move on. But I want him to because...in some sick twisted part of my mind, I want more too. More sex, more of Draco Malfoy, more everything.

Everything I just wrote is so wrong...

How the bleedin' hell can I still want him? Consarnit, I'll bloody tell you why! He's so bloody brilliant in bed! Not that I've ever actually been with him in a bed, per se, but still... He's so talented. Made me feel beautiful, kissed me like I've never been kissed by anyone, and he actually enjoyed it too. He had such a fire in his eyes... I want to see what's behind that fire.

Good Lord, I know that it's so wrong...but it feels so right. Should I just ignore my nagging doubts and horrible feelings of betrayal?

Yes I should. Next time Draco follows me I'm going to confront me. Before I do anything, I want to know the truth. How he's able to just forget the past seven years of hatred for me, and why he wants to get to know me.

Maybe once I've really _talked_ to him, I'll be able to make a decision.

Until then? I guess I'll just focus on work... I'm going to go absolutely mad one of these days.

_xoxox___

_Hermione_

**Author's Note Time!**

**Sorry for taking FOREVER to update everyone! I got a job for the summer, and I've been quite busy. Plus one of my computers has a virus of some sort, so Microsoft Word won't work on it. And my sister's been occupying the other one for the most part, so I've had no chance to write. I'm going to be busy with a lot of summer work for my AP classes this coming school year, so don't expect an immediate update. The next chapter is going to be much longer, and very important, so I want to take a lot of time to work on it. I'm also going to be computerless August 9-16, so I'm hoping for an update by the end of the month. I know this one was kind of short, but I hope you liked it! Please review!**


	15. Louder than Words

_::Chapter Fifteen::_

_Dear Diary,_

So much has happened in the past four days. I stopped writing in here because I'm been buried in endless amounts of homework. Not to mention my life is hell on earth. I can't stand this anymore, Diary.

I suppose I should actually say what has been going on. I thought that life was unbearable when I had to cope with Ron's infidelity and my incapability to comprehend Draco Malfoy.

Well, Diary, if it wasn't bad then, it's hell now.

Let's see, today's Sunday, so…Wednesday was when it all started. My day started off impossibly hellish when I saw that wanker Ron and his bitch girlfriend holding hands on their way into breakfast. It's amazing how things like that set the mood for your whole day.

At lunch time I saw them kiss, and that was it. I started crying. Mind you, I didn't want to cry. I can't stand the idea of showing him how much he's hurt me. I'd love to say that I'm fine now and not be lying. But it hurts more than you would ever dream… It feels like I've lost a piece of me.

I despise him… I do. Naturally I ran in the opposite direction, trying to get away from the pain… if only, if only, the woodpecker sighs.

I have no idea what made him follow me, but I can make an educated guess. I saw him in the courtyard, so I ran into the school and turned as many corners as I could. When I ran out of breath, I stopped and fell into the wall. I wasn't quite sure where I had landed myself, but someone was running towards me. By now I was crying softly, so I didn't want this person to find me. I started walking, but lo and behold, Draco Malfoy caught up with me.

Me: Go away.

Him: No.

Me: Why did you follow me?

Him: Because I want you to be okay. And I know you're not. I saw the way you looked at him when he kissed her. I just want to be here for you.

Me: Great… make my life a little _less_ confusing, why don't you?

Him: I'm sorry, Hermione, I know I'm some freaky paradox to you. Right now let's just make this about you. Are you alright now?

Me: No, you ruddy idiot, I'm not okay. I don't know if I'm ever going to be okay…

Then he kissed me. Boy, he can kiss… He just braced me against the wall and didn't let me up for air. It was marvelous. Until I heard the one voice I never wanted to hear again.

Ron: You filthy bastard!

Draco was very reluctant to stop kissing me, but he did. When Ron made him. Ron pulled him off of me and started punching the life out of him. It took me at least two minutes to separate Ron from Draco, who surprisingly wasn't fighting back.

Me: RON! What the ruddy hell are you doing?

Ron: ME? What on earth are you doing snogging MALFOY?

Me: I don't think who I snog is any business of yours anymore, Ronald Weasley.

Ron: It is when it's our bloody archrival!

Me: _Your_ archrival, Ronald. Right now I could care less who he is or what he believes in, or how he used to treat me. He has been there to comfort me after you ripped my heart out and threw it to the dogs. Don't you go suddenly caring about MY life when you are the one who put me in this FUCKING HELL! You have NO FUCKING RIGHT to criticize ME about MY choices when you are the one who fucking CHEATED ON ME!

Me: ::punched Ron::

Ron: Fine, Hermione. Go ahead and snog him, shag him senseless all you want. And when he turns you over to You-Know-Who for being what you are, I won't be there to stop him.

Me: I wouldn't want you to be.

Ron stormed off, thank God. The worst was yet to come, though.

Me: Draco, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Oh my god, your nose is bleeding. We should take you to the Hospital Wing.

Draco: I'll be fine, nothing a little tissue and cleaning charm won't mend.

Me: I'm so sorry, I can't believe him!

Draco: Is that all I am?

Me: What?

Draco: Is that all I am? A nice comfort shag? I was hoping you were coming around to see that I really can be more than that.

Me: Draco…I'm sorry. Right now, I don't know what you are to me. You proposed a big thing to me, and I don't know if I can handle that. Not yet.

There was a really scary, long pause here.

Draco: Fine.

Me: Fine?

Draco: Yes, fine. Hermione Granger, you are beautiful. I want to be with you because by some Grace of God I have seen you for the beautiful person you are, and I want you. Not just your body, but your heart. And I will be here for you, to comfort you, to shag you, to give you whatever you need, for as long as you need to heal your broken heart.

Me: What happened to you?

Draco: I grew up.

Me: You make it sound so simple…

Draco: I wish it had been.

Me: Do you mean all this?

Draco: Are you the smartest witch in Hogwarts?

Me: ::laugh::

Me: ::kissing him::

Me: Give me time…

I then proceeded to turn and walk away. When I got to the Gryffindor Common Room, I could tell that Ron had spread the word about me kissing Draco. A very intimidating hush fell over the room when I entered. Just about everyone was glaring at me. All I wanted was to talk to Ginny. I could see her sitting by the window, looking outside. I kept my eyes on her the whole time, trying to ignore the whispers of bitch, traitor, whore. Ginny stood up to face me as I approached her.

Me: Ginny…I'm sorry.

I thought she was going to slap me. I thought she would punch me. Scream her lungs out at me. Call me names.

She did none of these things. I could see the tears well up in her eyes. And she just turned away.

Actions speak louder than words. Much louder. In that one moment, I knew that I had hurt Ginny the most. I had kept things from her, lied to her, and betrayed her trust as a friend. As I felt the tears form in my eyes, I had one thing to say to her.

"I know I hurt you. I never meant to. You're my best friend. I need you."

Then I left. I'm still hoping she'll come to see me, come talk to me. I'm sleeping in the Heads dorm tonight. Haven't been here in a while… Draco just came in, I can hear him ambling about in his room. He's opening the door, I'm using a copying charm on the quill.

Me: Hi.

Draco: I know, I know…time. I thought I'd just see if you were here tonight.

Me: Yeah, well, time does nothing. Anyway, I'm not very popular in Gryffindor House right now. I'd be scared to sleep there.

Draco: ::chuckle::

Draco: All jokes aside about that…are you okay?

Me: Yeah, of course.

Me: No… I'm not okay. They hate me all because I kissed you. They're probably all siding with Ron, comforting him. He's the one who bloody cheated on me! I didn't do anything wrong.

Draco: In their eyes, you did. I don't think you did, but you did to them.

Draco: ::sat on bed and hugs me::

Draco: I'm sorry I got you into this, Hermione. If I hadn't kissed you that day, none of this would have happened. I wish I could make things better for you, but I can't.

Me: I know. I know you can't. It's not you're fault…

Draco: It's going to be hard for us.

::long long long pause::

Me: I'm scared.

Draco: Me too.

_The next morning_

We then lay down on my bed and fell asleep embracing. And now I know what I must do. I am going to get to know Draco Malfoy. I will redeem him in the eyes of some, and I will love him. He has been my saving grace. I don't know why I didn't see if before. I know things will be hard for us, and we will be put down and sneered at by those we once called friends. As I fell asleep in his arms, I could sense that he was serious about everything. I'm going to make something of this bond of ours. And the rest of this school can kiss my arse if they don't like it.

Diary, I'll tell you why I'm so sure that I am supposed to be with Draco. He actually came back to talk to me even after I turned him away. He kept caring even when I said "Give me time." He didn't have to say anything. The fact that he came back says it all.

_xoxox_

_Hermione_

**AN – Okay, that was kind of hard to write. I know I didn't get it the way I wanted it, but I can't think of how else to do it. Please review Sorry I took so long to update, school is very time-consuming.**


	16. Not Hated, Just Feared

:_Chapter Sixteen_:

_Dear Diary,_

Life is fantastic! I've got a great boyfriend. Of course, my best friends hate me right now, not to mention my whole House. I get whispers of "slut," "traitor," and "bitch" every hour of every day in the hallway. A lot of the post now includes hate mail. I've gotten my books knocked out of my arms 57 times so far. And I can't even eat a meal without something being done to my food.

I have Draco, so I'm okay. If I didn't have him to talk to at night and to keep me company when I would otherwise be with my friends, I would go nutters. I don't know how I'm surviving with out Ginny to talk to or Harry to do homework with. My friends are the world to me and now they hate me. All because of a boy. It's ironic… Ginny used to always promise me that no matter who she was dating, she'd always have time for me. And now it's who I'm dating that's the problem. I wish I could just talk to her… I've approached her three times since the "incident," as I like to call it.

Oh, Diary, I just don't know what to do. I want to keep my friends, but I want to keep Draco, too. Still, I feel like that's impossible. I want so badly for Ginny to talk to me, for things to be like they always have been. But that can't happen if I'm with Draco. I can't give him up, though. He's the only thing that really takes away the pain when I see Ron.

Earlier today, Draco and I were walking around after lunch. We came across Ron and Amanda making out by the lake. My heart leapt into my throat. I almost turned away and ran to my room to cry, but one squeeze from Draco's hand and it was fine. He makes me strong…

This is all so bizarre. My best friends hate me and my worst enemy is now my boyfriend. It's my soddin' sixth year in school. Life is supposed to be EASY. Not complicated as all hell and stressful to the last drop!

Right now I'm sitting outside, watching the Gryffindor team practice at the pitch. Naturally they are all giving me mean glares as they fly by me. I don't care. They think that because I'm giving up on House differences and finding a good person inside of Draco Malfoy that I'm a traitor. Fine. The only people I want to understand my seeing Draco and be my friends despite it are Harry and Ginny.

Ginny's landing now. I think she's done. Ever since Harry's been back on the team as Seeker, she's been playing Beater. She's a great Beater. Even I, the sports-illiterate, can tell that. Granted, if I were to say that to her now, she'd probably spit in my face. Why is she walking through the stands towards me now? I'm pretending not to notice her, but I can't help but wonder why she's coming over here? Tp insult me?

I'll use my Quick Quotes Quill….

Ginny: Hermione.

Me: Um, hello… Ginny.

Ginny: Why are you here?

Me: I do attend school here, you know.

Ginny: I don't mean Hogwarts. I mean why are you here in the stands, watching us practice?

Me: I have always enjoyed watching you practice, you know that. Besides, I needed some solitude to write in my diary.

Ginny: Gushing about your boyfriend, most likely. The most bitter statement I've ever heard, Diary.

Me: For your information, I was writing about Draco, but I wasn't gushing. I was asking myself why everybody HATES me now.

Ginny: You think we hate you?

Me: Well, generally calling someone names and abandoning your friends does fit into the category of hating someone.

Ginny: laughs

Ginny: Hermione, we don't hate you. Harry feels betrayed, and I feel hurt. But we don't hate you. We just don't understand it.

Me: What is there to understand?

Ginny: Why are you dating him! How can you just turn your back on your friends and fall for the boy who's made your life a living hell for the past six years? It's DRACO MALFOY, for God's sake! We've all had this unofficial "We Hate Draco Malfoy" club since you three started here, and now, you're dating him! It just doesn't make sense!

Me: What does make sense? That Ron cheated on me, that Harry fell in love with Luna, that you're seeing a boy who doesn't even go here? Since when does anything make sense?

Ginny: Hermione, I'm sorry that Ron cheated on you. We still haven't forgiven him. At least I haven't… But the fact that he cheated on you doesn't mean you've got something to prove. It doesn't mean you should date Malfoy!

Me: That's…that's not why I'm seeing him.

Ginny: Then WHY?

Me: Ginny… It's hard to explain.

Ginny: Hermione, please. I've felt betrayed ever since Ron told us that you were kissing him in the hall. I thought that we could tell each other everything, and then you went and hid him from me. Please. I wish I could understand this but I can't.

Me: I'm sorry… I wanted to tell you. I did. It wasn't like I was hiding a relationship from you… I barely understood what was going on myself. The day that I caught Ron kissing Amanda… I couldn't breathe. I ran away… I punched Ron and I ran away. I told you this, and I remember… I also told you that I cried for an hour before coming back to my room. But I lied. I did cry, but I had someone's shoulder to cry on…

Ginny: Malfoy?

Me: Yes… After I'd run nearly halfway around the school, I collapsed, and Draco caught me. He held me until I couldn't cry anymore…and then he kissed me. And I kissed back. Granted, I didn't really realize it was him. I saw his face… but it didn't register that I was kissing DRACO MALFOY until about an hour or so later. I had stopped crying, and I realized I'd been making out with him of all people… I ran back to our rooms…

Ginny: And so now you're dating him?

Me: No… you know how I spent my nights in one of the Astronomy Towers after Ron cheated on me? Well, a few nights after our kissing, Malfoy found me and well… we talked, and things got heated… and we had sex, Ginny. We had sex. And then again a few days later, by the Pitch. I tried to stay away from him after that, but he confronted me.

Ginny: Wait, you had SEX? With Malfoy? And you didn't tell me? Maybe I should be more hurt than I already was!

Me: Please, I know, it's a surprise… It shocked me too. I mean, sex, in itself, was a shock. Ginny… it was amazing. It made me realize what I was doing. I was being close with the one person I've ever really hated. I tried to get him to leave me alone, but… he told me he couldn't. He told me that he has seen me for who I am… not what I am. He said that he wanted to know me for me, to know more than just sex. I know it sounds strange… but I believe him. I trust that he really wants to know me and love me… He makes me feel safe, Ginny. Strong. Today was the first time I saw Amanda and Ron and didn't cry. I wanted to run like hell, but I didn't because he was holding my hand.

Ginny: Hermione, I love you, but you sound insane.

Me: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you any of this. I wish I'd told you. I should have. I'm so sorry Ginny. You're my best friend and I want you to be there for me. I can't really expect that if I don't tell you anything…

Ginny: I can't say I support this. Not yet… I'll try, for you. I'm sorry I was so quick to judge. From what it sounds like… Maybe I should give Malfoy a shot. For you. But… let me digest it all first okay?

Me: Ginny, have I told you that you're as brilliant a woman as your mother?

Ginny: No. I'm scarier than her.

We both laughed for a while until Harry called for Ginny. A team meeting. She left with the parting words "The House doesn't hate you. We're just scared of change. Harry's different though. You're gonna have to work to get him to get past this."

So in one day, I've gone from feeling hated to feeling feared. If what Ginny said is true, then the Gryffindors are just afraid of what I'm doing. Bridging a gap between Houses. Well, not intentionally. However, I suppose that if I'm going to date a Slytherin, I met as well make it alright for any other Gryffindors, now or in the future, to do so as well.

I'm really happy that Ginny doesn't hate me. I don't expect her to suddenly love Draco and want us to get married and have lots of babies. Her getting along with him would be nice for now. We'll see how that turns out. Harry…. I'll have to think about Harry after I figure out Ginny.

I'm going now. It's dinnertime, and Draco promised me a nice dinner alone in the Heads Dorms.

_xoxox_

_Hermione_

**AN – Sorry it took me so long to update! I guess I got a life. I haven't written anything in months. But I remembered this story, and I wanted to update. It's been hard trying to get it going. I can't say this is the best chapter… But I've got an idea of where this is going. Please review!**

**On a side note, to whoever "BuckNC" is, if you don't like my story, DON'T READ IT. It's not hard to just change the URL address and not read a story. I don't give a crap what you think about my grammar, my dialogue, or my plot line. I'm happy if people like my story and if they don't then they don't have to read it. Am I supposed to be grateful? For your oh-so-helpful comments? I have read the Harry Potter books, yes, read, not just skimmed. I don't see why that matters, seeing as fanfiction is not supposed to be 100 canon or in-character all the time.**

**To anyone who read this story, go ahead. Don't like it. Nobody's forcing you to read it. I'm grateful for everyone who reads it and leaves me a good review with constructive criticism. If you're only going to sit there and attack my story, don't review. Thank you. **


End file.
